Had an emotional breakdown last night. Like 2.30 am.
Kinda feels good to let it all out after quite a long time.
But yeah, woke up with horrible eyebags.

Anyways, finding a job with Adeline.
Well, we're gonna meet up tomorrow and discuss all this things.
Thinking of working at pastamania or kinokuniya or takashimaya or Manhattan portage.
Okay, alot of places huh?
Well, we shall see which one has the vacancy:)
Oh god. I really want a job!

But yeah, If i can't get any of those jobs. I'll just work at Cheers or something.
Or teach tuition:)))) huhuu^^

Oh well, besides all that. Nothing much happened recently.
DAD'S COMING HOME TONIGHT!
yeah man \m/

And yeah, I NEED TO GET ONE DIRECTION'S ALBUM AND BOOKS.
NOT A WANT.
IT'S A FUCKING NEED.

oh wait, dee kosh said to replace all vulgarities with OMNOMNOMN!
So yeah,
NOT A WANT.
IT'S A OMNOMNOMN NEED!

k lame uh. bye.

What would you do if the person whose attention means the world to you, ignores you?
It sucks.
I really wanna tell him I love him. I seriously never felt this way before.
But the thing is that, he doesn't look at me nowadays.
Okay, I've said all that before. But seriously, are guys really that blind to see that a girl is head over heels for him? Or are they purposely blocking that picture off from their minds?
Because if they are, they're stupid.
Is it because they don't wanna give it a chance? Or are they tryna play hard to get?
Either way, it's still stupid. You're not manly that way. That's such a turn off in a guy.
If you don't wanna give it a chance, you could at least talk things out right? Is that too hard?
At least, that proves that you're matured enough to deal with reality straight in the face.

5 days since I last saw him.
He doesn't even know that I use the extra time I have after completing my exam paper just to stare at him. If only he knew.
At times, I have this strong urge to just blurt out everything to him, don't give a damn about his reply, whether he likes me or not.
But then, I realise that I indeed am afraid of the outcome. If things don't work out,(lets say, i tell him i like him, he doesnt like me. there will be awkwardness in our friendship. OR WORSE! he ends the friendship- it gets too awkward to even have a friendship)I'M GONNA EMO.
I hate how I always take at least a year to get over someone. Crush or boyfriend.
It sucks. Take one year to get over someone, and within that period of time, you see them with other friends, all happy and jovial. That proves that the person doesn't even need you in their life.

I asked for this. I ruined everything between us.
I hate how I always think that someone likes me when they chat with me or gives me attention.
He chatted with me, i liked him. He didn't let the convo die(which is a really sweet thing any guy can do). Maybe thats how I started developing un-fade-able feelings towards him.
SUCKY.

Well, and it's even stupid of me to be crying over him when he isn't even mine yet. I'm just hopelessly in love with him and I know I can never get him. EVER. People tell me to have hope, maybe things will work out in the future. But seriously people? You don't always have to be optimistic. You have to be logical and practical. Yeah, so being practical, HE WILL NEVER LIKE ME. Plus, I'm a few months older than him. Isn't that like against our religious code or some shit??
This feels like going through another heartbreak. I'll sit on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, and no one will know.

What if?
Millions of "what if" questions running through my head.
I don't wanna mention any of it here because it dates back to when I was still in a relationship.
Gosh, if only that relationship worked out, I would be so happy.
Sometimes, I even miss him. I miss how our relationship seemed too perfect. Too perfect to be true. Indeed.
I don't even know what actually happened back them. Everything was fine for me, except for him.
Lack of time spent together, Lack of attention. Yes, he may be materialistic but in relationships, you do need the attention. And yeah, that was my weakness. I never had much freedom because of my dad, as usual, being protective over me and my sis.
Yeah, maybe he got a little pissed off with my lack of freedom.
Well, what could I do then? I WAS JUST A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL.

Well, enough of this reflecting shit.
Let's just sit down and die.
Slit wrists and bleed to death.
Get a friend to commit suicide with.
Grab a sharp object and just stab yourself repeatedly.

Yes, I'm deprived. I need someone to be with me at times like this. But sadly, I have no one.

So yeah. O's are over. Doesnt feel like it though.
Yesterday was the last paper and I found it kinda easy. But well, definitely not gonna be able to get top  few in the school.
haha. Juts hope that I can make it into poly. :)
Currently texting paul. Argh, I'm just so bored nowadays! It's only the first day of holiday and I'm always on my lappy.
Anyways, dad just left to go to Malaysia:) Take care dad! i love you:)
Yesterday marked the day where I have a little bit more freedom:)
I can now fulfill my "list of things to do after O's"
Pierce ear.
Pierce belly button:)
Pierce tongue,lip,dimple piercing(MUST GET)
Rebond my fringe.
Go out with friends.
Meet all the people I'm supposed to meet.
Gather enough courage to face him on results day and tell him I like him.

Yeah, that's about it!

Planning to rebond fringe today, but then sis is being a bitch now.
She's got some hand ache or whatever. Not that I don't care. It's just that, I already planned my stuff, what to do each day. I can't just squeeze in just about anything right!?
Plus, I need to do my hair today so that the smell will prolly be much lesser when dad's home. So that he wouldn't "find out"
And she's making a big fuss over that on Facebook. Yeah, go criticise and insult and put down your family online. So the whole fucking world can see it. Good job sis. Good job.

Yeah anyways, Imma carry on Tubmlrin' and Facebookin' and Twitterin' COZ I FUCKING CAN.

FREEDUMB!

Okay, left with one paper. That is, Science MCQ.
I CAN DO THIS SHIT!
Anyways, I'm kinda losing hope in my love life. NOTHING. JUST NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
We pass by each other, not even a smile, hello, or even a look.
Does he even know how much that hurts me? It feels like he's ignoring me. Maybe he really is though.
Fuck it, I'm hopeless, worthless.
We passed by each other so close today. Like REALLY REALLY CLOSE.
Gosh, that mini heart attack I got when you were so close to me.
But what did you do? NOTHING.
NOT
A
FUCK.

Sucks you know? To be all over a guy and they don't fucking notice you, Then you know that you're just waiting for some shit to happen, WHICH IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

But whenever I see him, It just makes my day. Whether he notices me or not, Just seeing him brightens me up. This shouldn't be happening.
I'm supposed to be in the process of getting over him. I need to. I don't wanna be waiting so long and then finally realising that it was never worth the wait.
If only I had the fucking guts to talk to him.
Just be like, Hey! I like you. In fact, I'm hopelessly in love with you.
I just wish that I was fearless, living life to its fullest, being care free.
Things would be way easier that way. But no, I sit here, i fucking cry and i fucking cut my hand and fucking create scenarios in my head that'll never happen.
Fuck fear.

Anyways, I don't know what I see in him. I just love him.
Of course, I can live without him, I mean, I have for like the past 17 years of my life. I can be happy without him. But I'll be happier with him.
I dont know why, but I feel that I can tell him everything about me. Freely. Every secret, flaw,insecurity of mine. He looks like the kind of person who'll understand. Someone who'll actually hug me when I'm feeling down.
Does he even know that I think of him such?

GET. OVER. HIM. VINI.

This ignorance from him, I just can't take it. I'd be better off running behind some other guy who'll just use me and fuck off with another girl.

I need a relationship that will last.

 MY OBSESSION WITH ZAYN MALIK IS NEVER ENDING.

WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO UNFFFFF.

I miss having him as a bestfriend boyfriend.
It even got to the extent where we both thought that we had secret crushes on each other.
haha. So sweet :)
That how i want relationships to be. Bestfriends and boyfriend at the same time.
I could be myself whenever I was around with him.
Its like flirtationship. O.o
Lying down on each other, holding hands,tickling and even "almost kissing"
HAHA. yeah, I'd love having such a boyfriend. the very sweet kind.
The one who wouldn't give a damn when I talk open mindedly. In fact, i want him to talk open mindedly with me too.
I remember when he got so upset and angry at me when he saw those marks on my wrist. I found that real sweet. And sometimes, I actually look to him as my boyfriend, and act like how a girlfriend is supposed to act. haha. till others thought that we were having a secret relationship. ;D
I want a kind of guy who'll pull my blouse up when its falling. IDK. i just find that super sweet.
That give me the impression that you're in it for me,and not anything else, just me.BEING WITH ME.
Of course, I'd love romance too. haha. who wouldn't?
I dont wanna be serious all the time.
And yeah, I want a relationship to blossom. from friends,to best friends, then to a boyfriend.
Coz then, i'll really feel comfortable around him.
I don't wanna be all shy and nervous around him.
I wanna be able to hug and kiss him whenever i want, wherever i want. I dont wanna wait for him to hug or kiss me first before i do. i want that kind of "freedom"
Yeah,real hard to find these kind of guys nowadays huh?
Never faced one in my life before. Never had one in my life before.
Sweet guys are like an ENDANGERED SPECIES. You barely find them.
And thats why girls end up being such bitches. Coz mainly, the guys left are just plain douchebags (okay, maybe not all. but yeah, mostly)

Oh well, i just felt the need to say this.
Who knows? He might have somehow got my blog url, and is seeing this right now.
HAHA. high hopes eh vini. HIGH HOPES.

Wonder when I'll get over him. I have to.

Woke up at 1+ today. HAHA. i deserved that super long sleep:)
Anyways, the beginning of today kinda sucked ( except for the part when  I bought SLURPEE:D )
Sis labelled me a minah today. AGAIN.
Just cause I didnt wanna follow her see a movie with a crush.
I mean cmon uh, firstly, he's your crush, I GO FOR WHAT!You spend time with him uh!
And i go also like awkward only.
Plus, I dont feel comfortable with other people around. I wouldn't be myself, and I hate not being able to be myself around others.
Yeah, so cause of that, you called me a minah.
I'm used to this la. You siskit sikit also call me minah.
Why? Coz I fold skirt right? Coz I cry over guys and slit my wrist? Coz i wear "revealing clothes/ modern clothes? Coz i mix with malays.
FUCK YOU SIA.
Heck it la. IDGAF about you already.
And you can put on facebook some more uh " i dont even know why i have a sister."
HAHA. funny sia. Like as if you can even live without me talking to you.
I listen to your stories ALL THE TIME. But you don't.
Whenever i tell you my stories, you're always doing something else. And you'll always be like "wait ahh. i doing something." OR WORSE STILL! after i narrate my whole story, you'll be like "HUH? WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING IRRITATING THAT IS?
you never listen to me. I have to solve my own problems. The oly person who actually listens to me and my problems is adeline.

I HATE YOU SIA.
You know what, Imma just ignore you. I'm very sure I can live without talking to you. Whats the difference anyway.

Okay, anger vented already:)
Today, i saved almost all of "teddy bear's" photos in my psp.
Huhuu^^ Can fantasize about him already:))
HAHA.
Oh yeah, this may sound really stupid but Zayn kinda influenced me. Okay, not influenced, but made me change my mind.
I don't think I'm gonna settle for any guy lesser than Zayn.
Must have same awesome personality, awesome hair, awesome lips, oooh not forgetting his arms, superfuckinghot and yeah, just as perfect as he is.
haha. stupid right. but yeah, thats it.
This also means that I'm gonna stop chasing after my "baby"
Alaaa, padehal he can get better loking girls what. I'm not even attractive to start off with.

kbye.
TROLOLOL. my sis just talked to me.
Bitch., STFU.

Most of the major papers are done with! HELL YEAH \m/
Only left with malay and sciece mcq. WOAH. that was really fast.
Anyways, i had an awesome dream last night:) like duh,, its obviously about him.
I dreamt that i told the guy i like about the guy i like. Weird much?
Anyways, shall not rant about my dream anymore, it DEFINITELY WILL NOT HAPPEN. coz i bet he fucking hates me. Plus,ugh. nevemind. Its just not worth the wait anymore.
Sometimes i just cant help but to stare at him, and just think, why can't we be together? Or at least, be friends? close friends?
Now its like, we're both strangers to each other. We pass by each other so close, SO CLOSE, and we act as though none of us are there. No more smiles, No more hi's, No more facebook chats.
Sucks man.
Now its gonna take me another year to move on.Well, i better forget about him now and start moving on.
So yeah, imma be slcaking for the next few days, then maybe mug the last two days before malay Os.

Gosh, i just wanna get out of the school. And yeah, after O's, adeline is planning for me a birthday surprise. She sais she's gonna invite a guy. Well, from what I know, there's 3 possible guys she may invite.
Guy 1: My crush. If he's invited , its gonna be real awkward. I bet I wouldnt even talk to him
Guy 2: The guy who supposedly has a crush on me.. uhh, AWKWARD.
Guy 3: The guy I almost got into a relationship with.
Umm. I DONT WANT ANY GUY TO COME ALONG. seriously.

Oh, and my celebrity crush broke my heart. I saw a pic of him kissing someone from X factor. NOOOOO!!!!
anyways, he still looked hot kissing someone:))
Nevermind, one direction is supposed to be gay anyways. I'll just stick with that:)
Oh well, gotta go now. I'M FUCKING HUNGRY!