my life sucks.. yesterday and today weren't good days.
anyways,today had no mood. a big thanks to those who cheered me up today! noraza,rahziah,rusydi and hanafi actually..for listening to me.. thanks rusydi,you made me open up but i couldn't control my emotions..
imma tell the truth here.
because of what you told me,i feel like a nobody now. i wonder how others will think of me now when they see u have commented such things about me. you don't want me to be happy in life?
why facebook? couldn't you have talked to me?
anyways, about my motivator.. noraza,its not working... it didnt work..i sent that message cause i just dont want my sis to think i'm despo. besides,i still have a crush on him.. nothing wrong for a girl to have a crush.. and he'll always be our motivator kays:)
if heartbroken means sitting on the bathroom floor,crying your lungs out and regretting what you did.. then i guess i just had another session of heartbreak..
i had huge,high hopes.. that at least a friendship could blossom.. but no,i was so wrong.. i dropped the fucking world on my head. i mean come on, a handsome face falling for a eff-face like me.. please uh, he gotta be blind to fall for me..
so,currently texting shiva and facebooking and eating... no mood to study..
and yeah, there might actually be someone else... well, i cant say anything else,i dont know him yet.. we're just friends.. but i'm very sure if there's more to this friendship, there might very well be another arguement proving her right... saying that "if its not this guy, its another.. if its not another, its someone else"

and after all you said, i dont think the apology helped me gain back my confidence.. am i supposed to face the world when people now think that i am a despo? i am a minah? i have a fucked up attitude? i am a small punk? i am a bitch with a bitchy attitude because i wear short skirts?
let me clarify this ok!
if i do tie my hair like my mom,its my hair,please dont bother.. and if that hairstyle seems minah to you,thats your problem.. seriously.i like my hair the way it is.
i have a attitude problem yeah? well, tell me one person in the world who wont give attitude to another person who insulted them for nothing? you talk as if you've never shwon me attitude before.. i can tell you at least 10 times you showed me attitude when it wasnt even my fault.. and now,i'm bringing the family name down right?
i'm a small punk.. coz i pierce my ear 2 times right? my other friends have 8 piercings..they're not punk.. i'm sure your friends have piercings too,they arent punk.. and i rebond my fringe? the first two times was without permission but later dad allowed me to do so.. so there is not problem with that now.
i'm also a bitch? coz i wear short skirts... yeah then, come to school with me one day,i won't fold my skirt once. i'll just let it fall down ok... please uh..the skirt size 27..  my waist size 24.. big difference right... it becomes shorter as i fold,common sense.. and i only fold once.its only necessary to fold ONCE!if it seems like a short skirt, i cant do anything about it.
best part, i'm despo... you think i find boyfriends because i'm a playgirl??  its absolutely normal for a girl to have a crush on a guy... and please, i dont move on that fast ok... and you know that... now its been  6 months and i finally had a crush on someone else.. just a crush.. and you insulted me so much that i don't wanna get to know him anymore... well then, thinking of it now,i guess it was more of a liking than a crush... coz i cried,i dont know why,but i did. i felt that i missed a chance....anyways, to hell with that..
as long as my friends know i'm not such a person, i'm fine with that.. coz now,i'm starting to have the same mindset as when i was in sec 2... my friends are a better family than my real family
-my eyes are swelling up.. dont let this happen again...
--i've lost almost all my hope.. dear noraza,can i do that stupid thing again... the one we both used to do?

P.S [ i'm not totally angry at you. i still have that slight hatred and i dont know when i'll start talking to you again.. but for now,it's not gonna happen quickly.. and another thing, its the first time in sec school i'm having a camp..humanities camp.. it falls on your birthday.. from 730-1.30 i guess.. i dont wanna go... i've got plans for you... but if its compulsory,i'll make sure my plans are still carried out. it'll take time for me to start talking to you again,like we used to. ]

and to someone who probably doesn't even visit this blog: i dont know whats happening now. i just want things to get back to normal..

i hate my life..people keep misunderstanding me.and they try to correct me. i'm not even doing anything wrong..well,if whatever i'm doing hurts them,then they can tell me nicely.there's no need to brag about it on facebook by commenting and suddenly going out of the point and  "pao-to-ing' me online. i'll never think of doing that and you easily embarassed and brought my name down online.what will my friends think of me now?
and you know what,before i came home,i was actually planning about a surprise bdae party for you,i dont think i'm gonna do that already after whatever happened..
and i dont like him..i just told certain people that i find him cute and good looking. nothing more,nothing less..and then certain people brag about it saying i have a crush on him? please dont ruin my reputation.and yea,i'm being called a despo for that. thanks.
i'm just getting to know a "new" guy and thats considered despo. how many "new" guys did you intro with???u not despo ah??
anyways,i dont wanna embarass certain people online..
and whats said is said.. no taking it back...
AND I SAID : I'LL CHANGE IF I FIND THE NEED TO.

yesterday was really a memorable day:)
had adam khoo's workshop. it was the last day,sadly.
did mindmap about managing healthcare within 15minutes.WHOA!
then,asked dad and sis to come for the closing ceremony.
sis didn't come,she was sleeping.
dad came and i guessed he understood how we feel too.
was with friends and we were all so hyper clapping for almost anything:)
then it came the time where anyone could say anything to their parents on stage.
quite a number of 5na people went. including me.
well,i didnt exactly finished what i wanted to say.
coz i just broke down.
all i managed to say was "Pa, after the divorce i know things weren't easy for us."
and then he saw me crying and walked up to give me a hug.
i really do miss those hugs.it's been a really long time since i had those hugs <3
many friends started crying.so i went to comfort them and all.
then sang songs with fellow 5na friends:)
unforgettable moment!
and rusydi,thanks for giving me ur manual since i misplaced mine:D

i didnt manage to say what i wanted to..but here's exactly what i wanted to say.
Pa,after the divorce i know things weren't easy for us.thanks for being both a mum and dad for me and sis.i know i've made alot of mistakes and hurt you unknowingly.i'm really sorry for all those mistakes i made. please forgive me.i know that i've hurt you by not listening to you at times. by doing thing you actually didn't allow me to do. for example,rebonding my fringe.and there's another thing i want to mention. look at my friends.they're sitting in front of you. you've told me that my friends aren't good. do they look bad one bit? dad,i've been mixing with them for 5 years now. although they're all malays and a big group,they are really close and dear to me.5 years is a long time,and i didn't get into bad company. please dad,they aren't bad.please understand that ok.and i know that you're relly concerned for me and sis. i know this may be asking for too much but i want to be able to spend time with my friends without you using guilt treatment on me. whenever you do so,i feel really bad and have to cancel on my friends which would hurt them in the end. i'm not asking you to allow me to go out every single time. but once in a while at least. i do want to spend time with friends too. and i hope you would allow me to go for my clas outing this year,since it will be the last time we are all gona be together.
teachers,i'm sorry if i ever went against you. i know i have been rude to some teachers and i apologise for that from the bottom of my heart. i prmis to change for the better. and thanks for always showing that love and concern for everyone of us.
and my dearest friends,we've stuck together for 5 years now.we've really bonded and formed an unforgettable friendship. i never want to lose anone of you. because each and every one of you are so dear to me.thanks for being there for me,during times when i cried and also times when i just wanted to share my happiness. thanks for accepting me for who i am. and for those whom i have hurt before,please foggive me,i never meant to do those things to you. i hope we can start anew and let bygones be bygones.i love you.

if only i didnt cry on stage,i would have said all these. but i know one day will come when i'll say it to them again:)
well,this may sound so philosophical and all but i've really changed for the better.and i hope this new me will be acceptable to the society.
 happy belated birthday to syazman boyfee and rahziah begum!!!i love you people. and rahziah,i have yet to buy you a present. i will get you one,i just dont know when:) please dont mind waiting ok!
and royston grandma!happy birthday dude!!!
alright enough blogging.i miss my dad,i wann hang out with him now.. and probably later go for a haircut soon

and noraza,i hope we haven't drifted apart. you were so close to me and these past three days,we barely talked. i miss you scandal..i hope it was just for those three days.

i so sian now.i actually typed a whole essay about what i learnt today. and dammit,idk what happened. fml!this might affect whoever,i'm sorr if it did in any way.
ok.today,the main thing was the crying. crying over how stupid we have been in our lives.blaming our parents for everything we go thorough. we have a lack of freedom,a curfew, low self confidence and its all their fault.
dont we realise that they are the ones who are actually being tortured?they work for us,they provide for us.and all we do is curse them behind out backs,go against their words. what kind of children are we?we torture them alot and yet they dont complain,they just hold it in,cause they loved us from the moment we came into this world.
when was the last time we helped out parents?when was the last time we told our parents we loved them?remember the times when a night would never be peaceful without a goodnight kiss and a hug?remember the very first day of primary school when our parents sent us and never looked away till we disappeared into the school?they were there for us all this while , and human nature is,we will only regret and start to treasure this once they are gone.can't we just hug them before going to bed? a hug makes someone's day. don't you know how "loved" a person will feel with just one small hug?and can't we start appreciating everything they have done for us from the moment we entered this world?
and when they leave us,and we see the sad look on their face. we ask them whats wrong?is there any problem. and then they say that their only problem was you and your upbringing. it feels like an explosion.
dont we realise that we have taken advantage of them? we were so rude to them?the simplest of things they ask us to do, we don't. we say that we got other things to do.we put them through so much, and we complain about the simplest matters. we're so childish.
i'm gonna change. for the better. today's crying session was horrible and so beneficial. it made me realise how stupid,stubborn,guilty i was.although my dad may seem to not believe in me. he may seem to ignore me. he may not allow me to take sports course in poly. whatever it is. it's nothing compared to what torture we gave them. and i realised this myself.everyone cried,boys and girls. it was really a reflecting point today.we have all been rude to our parents and lets change that now. i know i am.
after the crying session,i didn't eat dinner as there was alot to ponder about. then girlfriends and me headed to hockey pitch where they did the most beautiful thing. they called their parents and said sorry,thank you and i love you.i didnt call dad cause he was in a meeting.
headed back to class where i had another round of crying. people,i hope you all are fine:)
and today i felt horrible.it's the worst feeling of regret one can ever feel.let me tell you honestly. the amount of tears i shed during a break up for whatever amount of days, is the exact amount i cried today in just one hour. that's really alot.so now,i promis myself to change.
Dear Dad,i'm sprry for whatever i put you throught. i know i put you through hell and you still love us no matter what.i'm sorry for going against you and trying to get more freedom. i'm sorry for things that we do behind your back and you don't know till now.
i'm sorry for cursing you behind my back.i'm sorry for not helping you when you needed me the most. i'm sorry for going out with friends often .
 i'm sorry for that very time when you suspected i was in a relationship. i'm sorry for having a boyfriend when you specifically told ud not to,not now. i'm sorry for piercing my ear without you knowing. i'm sorry for rebonding my fringe.i'm sorry for everything else that affected you one way or another.
thank you for alwasy being there. thank for the advice and the scoldings.it made me who i am today and i have a clearer view of my future.
and dad,i will always love you deep dowm inside. my love for you is unconditional.just please understand that i am a girl,i have uncontrollable emotions. i tend to cry easily,i tend to get angry easily,i tend to show attitude easily.i'm extremely sorry for all this. i know what shit i put you throught .and i know i can never live if that pressure was put on my shoulders.

Dad,i love you :)

This is the last straw. I'm sick and tired of being bossed around. annoyed at always being the "smaller" one. pissed off at those who take advantage of me. i have my rights too and no one respects that. my days atrt off horrible,with unnecessary scoldings and me being blamed for almost anything.you dont treat me like the way i am supposed to be treated.bitch,i have feelings too. i hate doing stuff for others and not getting the help from them when i need it. i hate it when i cant get irritated at someone for asking me to help them although i'm busy,and they very well can get irritated when i desperately need their help.and i do wait till they are not busy,and still i dont get the help. i hate how people think they are superior.they take advantage of me. they scold me,trying to blame me for crap that didnt even exist in the first place.and these people can very well show me their effed up attitude,and whenever i do,they threaten me to let out secrets? blackmail me?even when it was promised that those secrets were never to be mentioned again. and i can't blackmail you.GREAT!
You act nice towards me when you want something. i hate you for that, i'm left out right?i'm always the extra one.the one not needed. your life will be peaceful without me right. you know what,i'm gonna make sure i'm stronger now. i'm not inferior. i can be bad,bitch. hell yeah,i'm gonna change. dont ask me for help anymore. why the hell should i help you when you have never helped me back once?lets see how you live with that! i definately dont need you in my life.you're gonna suffer in the end. coz realise it bitch, half your life depends on my help.

DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME!

sorry for not blogging often.was held up with dance classes and awesome outings with friends:)

ok,i shall not talk about dance class yesterday.

today was party with arch babies!met up with ayu,sha and shamira at my house bus stop, and headed to syazman's house.

and yeah,they weren't prepared yet,so we were all stuck outside till about 2.15 LOL!

went in,and the atmosphere was really like a pub!

and rahziah,syazman and noraa cooked everything..the cake,spaghetti and donuts:) YUMMY!

so everything went well.. music was awesome!

guys and girls got "drunk" haha...we drank sparkling wine..i like:)

guys were taking "shots"(in plastic cups) and getting drunk..haha..so dramatic!

i got drunk till i almost kissed a guy O.O! ok,that was actually kinda weird,coz it was so damn close..HAHA..OK ENOUGH!!

hehe^^ and the best part was that,the house was only to us.syazman's parents weren't home:)

so yea,peepos danced a little..i sat in the dining area with the guys coz the hall no space for me :(

spilled wine on my dress -.- coz i dunnoe how to drink.haha!

and haziq made the awesome chocolate coated bananas (people,please dont let your imagination run wild again)

overall,its a party i ain't gonna forget:)

watched singh is kinng.. and finally left around 6+

almost everyone went to safra after that...i and rahziah went home...

tiring yet fun day:)

and yeah,i didnt do homework yet:((

okay enough of today..

i seriously hate 2 kinds of people now..

1-people who unnecessrily scold me..

2-people who wanna end friendship due to some fucked up misunderstanding.or just cause they dont get what they want.

1: i didnt do anything wrong.and you started shouting..seriously,whats wrong with you! when i try to say something to justify myself,you scold me for talking back.and when i keep quiet and listen to your stupid scoldings,you say i'm showing "face" to you..WTF! to hell with you.i dont bother anymore..do what you want. next time for sure,i swear i won't be all quiet.

2:so i mentioned about me wanting a tube dress,hotpants and off-shoulder blouse. well,the i'll love you forever part was AS A FRIEND.

and you misunderstood me :(

i knew something went wrong the moment i said i dont want a relationship,i've had enough..and you just didnt reply..so i guess that was the reason you randomly added me right?

and ur sec3..its not about the age and all..it's just that i want older guys..i've mentioned this to almost everyone..i dont know why,i just wont be comfortable with younger ones..so now,go ahead,and cut contact with me..LIKE I CARE.i dont hate you,i just hate the fact that you misunderstand almost anything i say. and BOOM,FRIENDSHIP OVER!

well yeah,i dont wanna blog anymore...i got a date with sis to watch phua chu kang which is on now:)

and tmrw,there's class..QSS syndrome noraza!

aite,imma eat the super spicy spaghetti from syazman's house:)

and i think i drank to muh wine..lol...got headache:((

gave dance a skip today.really unwell..thanks to sis! -_-
anyways,heading out with family later..do i have to??
i wanna finish off my homework by today..and start revising for poa and chem..haishh.
anyways,someone's asking me weird questions on formspring...maybe i should delete the formspring box on my bloggie..i think thats where these questions are coming from....anyways whoever you are,you have no rights to dig deep into my privacy...and such stuff you're asking,are not revealed on the net...if u really wanna know it,then u might as while text me or something...oh whatever!i dont give a damn.
yesterday i was watching the karaoke videos...urgh!i look weird sia!
and we were karaoke-ing so what by pink...syazman seemed drunk..all so kecoh!haha...i can't upload pics to my com...sad life:(
i'll try to upload them asap...if possible:)