Oh look I haven't updated this blog for 9 months. Probably the only reason I come back here is to recall and relive every milestone throughout my life.

So where do I begin.

I was with Sam, for 3 months. Then things just went wrong. And I feel so bad for him because it's been 3 years since we knew each other, and every time we're so close to being happy, something just fucks it up.

I'm sorry. I know it's easy to say this but so hard to do, but please just move on. I'm not worth it, I'm not a keeper, I'm not what your friends think I am. I'm tired of leading you on, I'm tired of keeping you waiting for nothing.

Relationships aren't my thing. So basically, I'm not intending to get into one anytime soon. Heh, not as if anyone else wants a relationship with me.

Anyways, I miss Azfar. Basically, he's a guy whom I got to know of back when I was in Sec 4, and I was too afraid to add him up and start a convo with him because HOLY SHIT HE'S SO HOT.
Well, eventually we became friends, and pretty close in fact in just 2 months.
I even forgot he was my "crush" till we started talking.
Ugh. I miss him.

Besides all that, I'm done with Y2S1. PRAISE THE LORD. I have been waiting for holidays ever since this semester started. Got my scholarship WHOOP WHOOP.
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I WANNA GO FOR BMTH'S CONCERT. UGH. I WANNA GO SO BAD. SOMEBODY BUT ME TICKETS FOR MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT I WILL SMOTHER YOU IN KISSES AND LOVE YOU FOREVER OK.
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~You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me

I've confessed

It's been 7 months since I've liked Frozard. I finally confessed to him 2 days ago. He seemed so friendly and he wasn't freaked out about the whole thing. That made me like him even more. However, I remained anonymous because it'd kinda be weird to see him around in school and know that he knows me. haha! so yeah, I remained anon.
But then, two days later a.k.a today, I decided to just tell him who I am coz I didnt really find a reason not to. I was in the "heck care" mood. So yeah, I told him. And that's it. He didn't really entertain the fact that "I like him". I mean, the least he could do was try to keep up the convo because it would really mean alot to me.
I guess he just likes Chinese girls though:/ Or maybe I'm not attractive enough for him. Or maybe he gets many girls telling him such thigns so I'm probably "just another one". O rmaybe he's attached. UGH. This is so stressful.
Anyways, at least I don't regret this. Well, not quite. I don't wanna keep this bottled up in me for like ever. So its kind of a good thing that I told him.

I've started to meet Uncle Sam again! He hasn't changed one bit, except for his hair though-.- We met like after 1 year! I like being around him, it's fun. And I'm slowly "being myself" around him. It's nice.
But then again. idk if this would lead to other things though. It's like, I want it to but I don't.
I wouldn't mind having him as more than a friend, but my feeling towards Frozard a stronger. What if I get together with Uncle Sam, and then I'll see Frozard around in school and be like "dammit, i still like you" I don't want that. I wanna be sure of who I like, then step into a relationship. And for now, I'm pretty sure I like Frozard (Although he indirectly turned me down). So its either I wait till my feeling for Frozard fade away, then get into a relationship with whoever I like next; or just accept the fact that I'm fucking in love with frozard and I'll never get over him.
Even if I do get over Frozard, it'll take me real REAL long to genuinely get over him. Perhaps 10 months?
Sucks to have a crush on someone you don't even know as a friend.

Dammit Frozard I really like you :(

Everyone hates me

Sis  boyfriend said this "I wouldnt be surprised if you become and anorexic bitch with cuta and emo problems"
Firstly, that just goes to show how much you think of those who actually, genuinely suffer from anorexia.
People who suffer from anorexic aren't bitches okay.
These problems are fucking serious and shouldn't be made fun if. It's a mental disorder. And if you're too mentally stable to understand that then don't fucking comment on anything.

You don't know how much thsi will affect me. Yes, words do hurt. But to a self harmer, it hurts more. Emotionally and physically. Thank you for hurting me.

This really goes to show that no one understands a self harmer. They think that they do it for the attention, for the fun of it. But you're wrong. You're oh-so-fucking wrong okay. We don't want the attention. We're fine on  our own. We've realised that no one cares so we confide to no one. We don't rely on anyone. Everyone has forgotten us.
We are not attention whores. Those who cut for attention would be the ones who tell other" I cut myself yesterday. See"
Genuine self harmers do not want anyone to find out this shit. Look at me. I wear shorts to school,yes. Just because I'm comfortable in them. I don't wear long sleeve shirts because its fucking hot, and because my cuts aren't on my arms. Whenever I sit down, I always pull my shorts down, I don't want anyone to see anything. But I know they still do.

Oh forget it.
Everyone's judgemental. Thankk god I'm not. I'm just mental.

I'm in school now. And I feel horrible.
Life doesn't move smoothly for me doesn't it?
I cried again yesterday, cut again yesterday.
The last I cried and cut so much was when I broke up with my ex.
Why does this feel as bad as that when all I was to you is just a fling.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
You've probably moved on already, kissing some other girl. Just as fast as you moved on from your ex girlfriend to me. Oh wait, I'm wrong. I was just a fling.
You assured me I wouldn't regret this. I do now.
You told me that you had this strong feeling that everything would be okay, I trusted you. You let me down.

Every day is a new day for me, yet I'm faced with the same challenges. Trying to survive and not be so suicidal.
I'm depressed and suicidal and extremely emotional and whatever not. But no one close to me understand my plight.
It's so hard to not cry every night. The past few days I've been crying my heart out, but no one hears me right?
You wouldn't bother either right?
I bet you don't miss me. I bet you were'nt even emotionally attached to me, like you claimed to be.
You only said those things to make me feel special, not alone.
Did you know that every action of yours, every word you say affects me?
Did you know that I'll cut myself because of the people who leave me?
I bet you didn't. And even if you knew it, I bet you wouldn't give a fuck because I'm history to you.
Fuck this.

I miss you. I yearn to text you everyday but I'm afraid of your reply. I'm afraid that your reply is too harsh that it'll emotionally scar me more. Depression.

Today was a shitty day. I couldn't take it anymore. You didn't text me for 3 daysand it really got me so damn emotional.
I thought you were one of those jerks, who want me just to fulfill their needs, and then they fuck off.
Finally gathered the courage to text you. And you told me stuff I never knew about. Appparently I texted you in a very offensive manner. But in my phone, I had no such records of these messaged.
I tried to tell you this, I tried to explain to you but you just wouldn't listen to me would you.
It's ironic how you asked me to trust you, but then you don't trust me.
I don't usually trust people easily but you somehow got me into it. And then you just decide to disappear and leave me hanging, wondering what I've done.
I swear, I never sent any of those messages. I don't know any other possible way to explain this to you. If you don't believe me, I can't do anything about it. It's your choice.
I miss you so much and you aren't even my boyfriend.
I opened up to you. I don't usually open up to people easily, but there was just something about you that made it so easy for me to open up.
Honestly, why would I want to lie to you about anything? Why would I want to lie to anyone about anything? I am already such an emotional mess who gets depressed over the littlest of things. I wouldn't lie to you about those texts. I swear I didn't do anything, yet you left me. You still don't believe me don't you?
I only knew you for a week yet you made me feel so loved, so special, so happy. I wasn't as emotional as I was before. But then now, everything is gone. You are gone. Everything just crushed upon me.
And I'm left to think, what have I done to deserve this. Why does everyone leave me in the end? What's wrong with me? Am I like a people-repellant or something?

Listen. I like you, but I guess you only treat me as a fling. I had too many high hopes. I thought that you'd end up being my boyfriend one day, but I was so wrong.
I cried. Alot. You wouldn't know this. Even if you do, I bet you wouldn't give a fuck because you don't care aout me anymore. Because you think I'm some bitch who lets insecurities get the better of me. I'm not. I don't know how to put this in any other way.
You're leaving me for something I didn't do.
I don't want you to leave me. I really don't. You mean so much to me now. I hate this.


I miss how when we met, we instantly clicked, although we had so many awkward moments. We barely spoke. But when I looked at you, I felt so happy. Nothing else could ruin this. I eagerly wait to meet you everyday after school. Spend some time with you. Share a few kisses here and there. Be like a couple. Playfully pushing you away because I honestly am scared. I miss how you'd always pull me in closer after every kiss. How you'd hug me tighter whenever I let go from the hug. How you'd nuzzle up to my neck. How you'd tell me I look fine just the way I am. How you'd always want to slap me for having too many scars. How you'd cuddle me from the back and kiss me. How you'd cup my face. How you'd try to get me to kiss you. How your hand fit so perfectly into mine. How your hands rested so beautifully around my waist. How you'd tuck my hair behind my ear.
Your neck kisses. Your cheek kisses. You.

I don't love you, but I honestly want to.

Life falls apart yet again..

221012: 18th birthday. No celebration in school, just a small one at home. Frozard wished me on my birthday, and I felt so elated about it. But at the end of the day, I found out the Adeline was the one who asked him to wish me. So that hurt me bad, he didn't even intend to wish me.
Ramesh didnt message me as well. I was kinda having high hopes, expecting he'd wish me on my birthday. but no. So I cried real bad because of these two. REAL BAD.
I'mm too emoti9onal. Even I can't handle myself.

It's been like 3 months since I last updated.
Oh well, lots of things happened within this period of time.
I had a couple like best friend, things went to far and I cut contact with him.
Meanwhile, there's this other dude who's only in it for the lust. And guess what, he already has a girlfriend.
But yeah, I know my limits. I'm just entertaining him till I get enough "evidence" to bomb him and finally get him out  of my life.
He's hot though. LOL.
And Frozard. I can't stalk his tweets anymore because they're privatised. :(
But thankfully, he privatised them at the right moment. I've found out tons of things about him.
Well, he got a tattoo not to long ago, which makes him like 10 times hotter than he is now.
And that idiot also posted up his cotnact number, so yes, I'm the clingy (not)girlfriend and I took it down and saved it in my phone.
Cheeky much.
It's the holidays now. 5.5 weeks. Schools gonna start in about 3 weeks time. Dang it.
Started working out recently coz I want flat abs. But then again, I see no results so I'm just gonna bum that idea and start eating candies again yea?

Anyways, me and that douche guy have been chatting alot quite recently. I mean, I like him- he's friendly. But when I think about his intentions, they're no good. And then I start to hate him so damn much. We were supposed to meet today. But then he was lazy, I was lazy. So yeah, we called it off.
I don't even think he's sincere enough. I mean, if you really wanna meet a girl, you'd actually come on over to meet her. You wouldn't force her to meet you if she doesn't want to.
Oh, heck that. I'll blast him off, soon enough.

Holidays are gonna end soon and I pray, I PRAY SO HARD, that there'll be at least one hot indian guy in my class next semester.
Even a normal indian guy would do. I need a indian guy best friend. It's about time. At least then, I'll have someone to hang out with after school, or someone who'll do RJ with me or something.
That'd be cool.

Well, this turned out to be a pretty long post. Oh well.
I'm out.